Our shadow can become our light…

Do you want to hear the entire podcast episode? https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/kiiut-katt/episodes/When-my-darkness-comes-to-tell-me-something--What-do-I-Choose-e24a69osode?

So I just came back from a long vacation and a new chapter of my life. I recently got into a relationship and after being together for 3 months together the separation was playing hard with my feelings and thoughts.

What do I feel, think and do?

Why am I getting hurt with this?

How do I feel today where I am?

If I could do how I feel, how would it look like?

“My Darkness comes to tell me something about myself, that needs my attention”

So what is my imbalance ?

The next weeks, are gonna show us those all or nothing, life and death, extreme resistance, these extremes of our shadows. And this is to learn to manage impatience and find balance.

Our Ego that wants to control everything and with mars in Leo we are in a place of attack-destroy or or be destroyed

So I ask myself what is my contradiction?, what is my necessity of control and what is what I want to win here?

I Connect with my shadow by asking myself…

• How do I feel?

• What do I feel inside of me?

• Where is all this coming from?

• How can I communicate this?

• What is the worst that could happen if I say this?

• Can I let go of this fear of losing?

• Whatever is meant for you will come to you

• What is The Balanced/Healthy between these 2 extremes?

• What do I choose?

And my shadow?

Abandonment jealousy and control, coming from childhood traumas. The fear of abandonment. The moment when I realized why I used to be in toxic relationships and why did I fear so much in healthy ones.

I realized that my biological father was the cuddling one, the one saying how much he loved me and was showing me physical affection. From one moment to another disappeared, creating a huge trigger for me that whenever I felt love, I feared to be abandoned. And as my Mom and Dad (step father) were in an abusive relationship where they hurt each other a lot and to us, so I grew up feeling like when somebody was abusive to me that was love. Like "They hurt me because they are teaching me, because they love me and I deserve it."

The fun thing is that I realized about that abusive patter with the book Women Who Love Too Much Audiobook by Robin Norwood, and as soon as I decided to break that abusive pattern and start to date just with people that show me their love and that value me and that treat me with respect and appreciation, is when I meet my partner .

When I realized about my sense of value and worth and I decided that the minimum to be with me was to give the same or more that I give to myself, and be willing to do the same back. I realized that by having Clear needs and communicating my desires I was more likely to be able to meet them.

And It wasn't until I came back that I realized about my deep wounds related to my childhood trauma and that to be able to heal my relationships I need it to be in a relationship.

During this 3 months I was living a beautiful love story even better than any of my dreams, and at the same time I was suffering an extreme anxiety that I was not able to understand, everything was good, and still though, I was fearing like sh*t and crying my ass off… until I realized the image of somebody loving me was connected to somebody leaving me.

And started to make so much sense. I used to push people away whenever I felt like I was getting to a place where I could be hurt with them leaving me. I would find excuses about why it was such a better option for me to leave them…

What ever I try to control, falls apart...

Avoid helplessness and conflict, neither extreme will works…

So I decided to Release the control and surrender.

“Everything that needs to fall apart will fall, and everything is mean to be will be”

I decided to ask myself What do I want for my life, from an abundance perspective?

What is it that, that I want for my life when I get calm?

And How could I channel all that energy that I've been putting into my relationship in a way that nourishes me and helps me to become my best self.

I realized about the importance of authenticity, of knowing my own need and be able to communicate them in order to meet them, I realized that I need it to be clear and that the worst that could happened was that my needs were not able to been meet and in that case is better to know right away instead of creating expectations about it. And that in reality I was not losing anything, that Whatever is meant for you will come to you therefore we are never losing we are just releasing so we can have space for the new and better that is coming.

And to be able to Communicate I needed to connect with my heart, remind Who I am, Who I want to be and What do I want for my life.

“If something hurts me it means that there is something that need to be heal, and if I feel it, I can heal it”

If you can change it, do it!, dare to communicate and Listen without taking anything personal. Watch out for what you speak, be conscious about absolutely everything you say out loud, so be aware of what you are manifesting through your words.

So I feel like energy can be balanced by asking ourselves…

Where is it coming this, that I want to give, is it from lack or abundance?

If it is coming from lack, How could I provide to myself that security that I'm lacking?

If it is coming from abundance, Be brave to express it, feel it, share it and embrace that vulnerability that comes with that authenticity.

Embracing our divinity, stepping into our energy, being our own source of energy, that is how we become magnetic.

The balance is to be in that place where we learn that whenever we are fearing or doubting ourselves, we are able to bring ourselves back and become this balanced being that regardless how the world interacts with us we know how we want to interact with the world and what we want to project outside.

So What did I choose?

I Choose to focus my energy into my passion and goals, transmuting and alchemizing all those traumas into creations to be able to shine by my own and fulfill my own needs, I Choose to observe the world with Curiosity, to trust that is all happening as it should, allowing the universe to surprise me, letting go of attachments and expectations and allowing the old versions of myself to die and the newest and better to rise strong and bright.

Being childish playful and don't take anything seriously

Being aware that Our darkness reveals our light. That We have both energies and that everything that comes up as our shadow can become our light…

Love Katt.